This Week In Hyperbole: Marshawn Lynch Isn’t Worth The Distraction

This is a weekly article focusing on hyperbole and (over)reactions to the latest NFL news.  

Days since the combine ended: 32

Days since free agency opened: 29

Days until the NFL draft: 20

Days until the first preseason game: 119

Days until Week 1 kickoff: TBD


Marshawn Lynch has reportedly informed the Oakland Raiders that he plans to un-retire. It’s particularly impressive considering he’s been under contract with the Seahawks, and not officially retired, but I digress…

If Helen of Troy’s face launched a thousand ships, then Lynch’s potential un-retirement can be said to have launched a thousand dueling takes.

Here are some of my favorite paradoxes:


This guy gets it. Can’t figure out what math he’s talking about, though. I swear RotoViz had an app for everything, but I guess not.

Bovada currently has New England as overwhelming favorites to win the Super Bowl, with the Raiders getting four times the odds, but I’m sure 31-year old Lynch will be the difference maker.

Then again, he doesn’t make a difference.


Who knows what Lynch’s motivation was for taking a year off, other than the man himse- oh.

Okay, other than Simon the Seahawks insider and/or Lynch confidant, no one knows what Lynch’s motivation was, but he certainly seems intent on at least exploring the possibility of coming back. So what does a year off do for a football player? Well, it’s so tremendous that it actually defies the space-time continuum.

It’s hard to criticize Nate Burleson for something like this, as he may know something about coming back after a year off. In 2008 he played only one game, then went on to play five more seasons until he was 32-years old. Of course, he was 27 at the time, and went through an offseason and training camp prior to getting injured.

Lynch isn’t thought of as a guy coming off an injury, but he only played in seven games during his final season in 2015, shortened by sports hernia surgery. He also has suffered from back issues for years, although he’s only missed one game from it.

This is from following the 2014 season:

Lynch’s back issues are chronic and will be a major factor in his decision-making this offseason, according to people close to the star running back. Lynch has compressed cartilage in his back, a condition that will not heal and can get worse as a result of Lynch’s punishing running style.

Lynch’s back caused him considerable problems this season. It explains why he made the unusual decision to remain on the sideline while his teammates went to the locker room during halftime of Seattle’s loss to the Chiefs in November.

The game was played in freezing temperatures and Lynch feared his back would tighten up to the extent that he wouldn’t be able to play if he went into the locker room.

That all doesn’t matter though. He hasn’t played for a year, that’s the important thing, because time literally heals literally all wounds and not playing actually halts, and maybe even reverses the aging process.

This is true, Tim Hightower didn’t play in the 2012, 2013, or 2014 season, then came back in 2015 to recor- oh. Those stats are across two seasons combined. Hightower actually had 96 carries for 375 yards, appeared in eight games, and started three games, when he came back in 2015. He’s also a month younger than Lynch. Not a month younger when he came back two years ago, a month younger like, right now today.

He also had 523 career carries entering that 2015 season. Lynch currently has slightly more, with 2,144. As you can see, the analogy is obvious across the board; and, if Lynch returns, you can pretty much lock those 96 carries and 375 yards up. Just win, baby.

In 2015, Lynch had 111 carries for 417 yards, and was the overall RB60, at 29-years old. Not sure RB12 – RB15 is high enough. I’d drop the ones, and just pencil him in for RB2 – RB5. (My league has tackles avoided-per-attempt bonuses, that should be standard scoring if you ask me, cc Draftkings CEO.)


Famous people being celebrities is the worst. That’s why Tom Brady lives at J.J. Watt‘s log cabin all winter, eating raw salmon, doing yoga, and hand-fighting grizzly bears, out of the scrutiny and football skill-crushing gaze of the public eye.


It makes sense, Lynch coming back in the final two years that the Raiders will be in his hometown, to try and win them a championship while they are still in the city.

Wait, nevermind, the Raiders should just move to Vegas now if they want to leave Oakland so badly, and stab all their fans in the heart.

These are random people on Twitter though, it’s not like a son of the most well known Bay Area football player in history said these thi- sweet fancy moses.

You got all that?

Good. Now fire off those taeks, and if they’re smart enough, maybe I’ll see you in this column next week.

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